i think the same thing, when people ask me "why did you delete that entry, i loved it." i think "well if you loved it why didn't you say so, you are two seconds too late."
i can never say very much. i do a good job of covering it up on my own journal (talk about nonsensical bull-bull and everyone is tricked into believing that you're devulging/sharing and you're not) but when it comes to communicating i am a social retard, even in comments. and you were able to see that when not many other people do see it, and you even pointed it out, which pleasantly shocked me. i was relieved, actually. i felt like shouting "you found me". i don't know, time for coffee.
i think that you actually knew i felt very bad, that's the problem. all i needed was some sort of acknowledgement of any of your earlir compliments, in any implied way. an empty plaseholder comment would do. it's like, i sent you a million signals, and none was good enough for any sort of acknowledgement. or none came through at all. but don't feel bad about it, really. and thanks for the belated comment, it's still much better than nothing
accepted. and yes, my wife knows of course and knew it all the way. and no FUCK FUCK FUCK i'm NOT like trevor. do you at least realize that for anyone who's read your journal 'trevor' amounts to all the slurs in the world???
that i flirted with a 19 year old girl from canada, that i like her writing, that i sent her souveniers, that we eventually had a breakup. my wife happens to be my closest friend. that doesn't mean that adultery couldn't break a marriage, but chances are it will be broken much sooner if you turn it into incarceration. i mean, what's you idea of marriage. you will cut all relations with men when you get married? you'll suppress your libido when you like someone else? my marriage is simply my concern. whatever i do about it is my concern. i'm in a marriage but i'm a free person. although of course you can decide that you don't want romantic relationships with a married person. it would have been enough to say so
to be honest i don't feel like discussing my ideas of marriage/relationships. let's just say that it differs from your own views and we'll leave it at that because at this point it's actually not even important.
people get paranoid when they break up. did you notice that i spelled out every compliment? and you alluded that i was like a trevor, and never cared to explain. even when i said WOW cool thanks. and you didn't say anything when i wrote a post that all compliments applied, although i, poor lilly ass, had failed - ultimite humiliation. i had a hard time keeping myself from deleting that post. i do understand that you have communication problems, but if you don't hint what you actually mean at the most critical times and hint something else, then what can i say? and if i hadn't written that cheer-up-loser upbeat post re-complimenting you (after all those unanswered compliments!), you'd probably never commented me again, would you? you see, you replied with someting positive when i abandoned all hope. perfect timing
no. i mean, i wouldn't have asked that to begin with. i am famous for "what if's" though. what if i had come on that strongly. i could have, it's my style.
i know that i'm trying to humiliate you now. it's disgustful and probably you don't deserve it. probably you had good reasons. it's just that i have so much self-respect to reclaim
my likes and dislikes don't depend on my will. it's about what i see. something, certainly, burned out last night. but i accept it that you might have good reasons to act the way you acted. people are complex. maybe there's a whole load of good things i don't know about you
you can't cause harm by saying nice things to people. if you have anything nice to say/to confirm, it's always welcome, especially at such a time, when everything is questioned and doubted. the only case when you shouldn't say nice things is when you actually believe that the other person is a complete trevor-like jerk who would use it againts you. that means total loss of trust to that person. and i thought i'd given you enough reasons to believe that i wasn't that bad at least. yesterday i would have thanked you very profusely for any sort of acknowledgement
lindsay, if you don't learn to unhinge your jaw, at the most critical times at least, it would be impossible to create any consistent image of you. it's like we want to talk, and i know that talking to you would be fun, but we are far apart and you don't have a phone. there's nothing to do about that, no matter how good we are. you just can't use this as an all-for-one excuse. it's like if i said 'i'm a jerk', then started to abuse you and when you complained i'd say, i warned you. learn to express yourself more profusely, for god's sake.
but anyway, in this exchange --
'so i remind trevor after all' 'if this were to continue' 'WOW. cool. thanks' *no reply*
to be honest, the only 'good' version of your behaviour i could think of at the time, was that trevor had fucked up your brains so much that you expect any man you let near to try staying with you at any cost. but that's just not how things work with nirmal people. much how you might be liked, people won't cling to you when you show them that you don't want a certain sort of relationships, that you don't want it for real. i came through all that humiliation only because what you had shown me before was contradicting your behavior. i did notice that you can be rather cruel, but you didn't seem to be a stupid cold bitch. and if you had been more outspoken about your views regarding marriage right away, i wouldn't persist. you see, not being outspoken makes people persist in things that you don't want. and it hurts everybody because imagining you dry-heave over my i-want-to-paw-you-i-want-to-kiss-you posts wasn't fun at all
i don't care whether you are married or not- i cared about how your 'dear friend' might feel if she were to read what you wrote to me. or for that matter, if she might read what i might have written to you in response.
she didn't actually read anything, and i wouldn't want her to actually read it. and she certainly wouldn't like to see me in the state i was for several days. but she wouldn't be very surprised because i'm not a very balanced and cold-blooded sort of person. she isn't around now, and chances are i wouldn't have let myself go like that if she was. in fact, i don't know. i let myself slip into that. and then at some point it seemed quite uncontrollable. it was some sort of sick (healthy) animalistic process. i stopped eating and lost 5 kg in a couple of days. it started when i read your first page of posts (the one with verses about a woman going from a supermarket at the top), and then saw your photo and that was like le coup de grace. no, i think it just emphasized the erotic element in my feelings. i was analysing myself all the way through it, which was the greatest fun. i quite realize that being an object of such passion can be rather uncomfortable. also, i always knew i'd have some sort of a hard comedown, but not like that of course. i'm over all that by now i haven't sleeped whole night again, and i couldn't connect to the internet for a long time. i feel very dumb and empty now. and i posted this poem from-10-years-ago yesterday, but then screened it. it seemed somehow (in)appropriate at the moment:
little women running home one of them dreamt of a child she was wispering and giggling talking to me over phone
hardly understanding how she could fall with me in love i was wondering, but now i can see through all that stuff
if you feel you can't be loved none can love you, that is true i was wondering but now i can see the stuff all through
little women wanting child wanting tenderness and love running home in a crowd dropping bonnets, buttons, gloves
it's a pity you don't want to discuss your ideas of marriage. do you have some very special ideas of marriage? is it something very kinky?? do tell, i'm interested!
everybody likes it! but in fact it's from the leftovers. i wouldn't post it ever, or'd post it as a comment in some journal, if it wasn't for all that you-know-what. i think when i showed it to natasha she didn't see anything special in it either
she'd say eeew, probably. and would make fun of me. but i can only imagine her starting to read. there's no way she'd be reading it all.
that's how i make it seem. je suis un poseur. you're a better writer anyway. but thatnks thanks thanks because noone comments my stupid mouldy poems on this journal, and i'm really doubting them
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(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 01:11 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 01:27 pm (UTC)может быть так даже и лучше
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 01:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 01:35 pm (UTC)супер!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 01:36 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 02:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 03:02 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 03:04 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 03:25 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 03:44 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 04:00 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 05:47 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 05:49 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 05:54 pm (UTC)i can never say very much. i do a good job of covering it up on my own journal (talk about nonsensical bull-bull and everyone is tricked into believing that you're devulging/sharing and you're not) but when it comes to communicating i am a social retard, even in comments. and you were able to see that when not many other people do see it, and you even pointed it out, which pleasantly shocked me. i was relieved, actually. i felt like shouting "you found me". i don't know, time for coffee.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 05:55 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 06:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 06:12 pm (UTC)do you at least realize that for anyone who's read your journal 'trevor' amounts to all the slurs in the world???
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
such things are just not to be forgiven
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 06:12 pm (UTC)which, again, is another problem that i have in real life.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 06:14 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 06:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 06:36 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 06:47 pm (UTC)what if i had asked to rendezvous with you!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 06:52 pm (UTC)i do understand that you have communication problems, but if you don't hint what you actually mean at the most critical times and hint something else, then what can i say? and if i hadn't written that cheer-up-loser upbeat post re-complimenting you (after all those unanswered compliments!), you'd probably never commented me again, would you? you see, you replied with someting positive when i abandoned all hope. perfect timing
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 06:56 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 06:57 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 06:59 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 06:59 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 07:02 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 07:06 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 07:10 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 07:18 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 07:29 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 07:35 pm (UTC)or maybe do i... hey, relax ya know.
That's a nice pic in any case.
L'amour, c'est l'espace et le temps rendus sensibles au coeur.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 07:57 pm (UTC)i am upset though, really. i mean, i don't want you to be turned off of me.
and please forget about the trevor reference. it meant nothing.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 08:15 pm (UTC)but anyway, in this exchange --
'so i remind trevor after all'
'if this were to continue'
'WOW. cool. thanks'
*no reply*
-- ain't you outspoken enough?
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 08:25 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 08:32 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 08:36 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 08:47 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 08:48 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-18 10:10 pm (UTC)i don't care whether you are married or not- i cared about how your 'dear friend' might feel if she were to read what you wrote to me. or for that matter, if she might read what i might have written to you in response.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-19 05:05 am (UTC)i let myself slip into that. and then at some point it seemed quite uncontrollable. it was some sort of sick (healthy) animalistic process. i stopped eating and lost 5 kg in a couple of days. it started when i read your first page of posts (the one with verses about a woman going from a supermarket at the top), and then saw your photo and that was like le coup de grace. no, i think it just emphasized the erotic element in my feelings. i was analysing myself all the way through it, which was the greatest fun. i quite realize that being an object of such passion can be rather uncomfortable. also, i always knew i'd have some sort of a hard comedown, but not like that of course.
i'm over all that by now
i haven't sleeped whole night again, and i couldn't connect to the internet for a long time. i feel very dumb and empty now. and i posted this poem from-10-years-ago yesterday, but then screened it. it seemed somehow (in)appropriate at the moment:
little women running home
one of them dreamt of a child
she was wispering and giggling
talking to me over phone
hardly understanding how
she could fall with me in love
i was wondering, but now
i can see through all that stuff
if you feel you can't be loved
none can love you, that is true
i was wondering but now
i can see the stuff all through
little women wanting child
wanting tenderness and love
running home in a crowd
dropping bonnets, buttons, gloves
good night
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-19 10:34 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-19 10:44 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-19 04:45 pm (UTC)you're a good poet, i'm jealous because you seem to be a good everything.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-19 09:20 pm (UTC)that's how i make it seem. je suis un poseur. you're a better writer anyway. but thatnks thanks thanks because noone comments my stupid mouldy poems on this journal, and i'm really doubting them