vriad_lee

yes, i understand that (more or less), but what scares me is that the memory of those things is vanishing. not some actual facts, events etc, but my own perspective at that time - because it was something concrete, and real for a long time, and then i did a lot to make it irrelevant, to find a new perspective, and when i more or less succeeded in that, i saw the old concepts vanishing and i can't quite remember how it all was, and i want to remember, because if you don't you turn into a shallower person. the perspective i had then, it was such a huge chunk of - i don't know, universe, and at some point it might be rendered completely obsolete. what i really would like to do is to return there is some form (no fuck i don't want to actually go to school again!) and reevaluate everything, because when i was actually going through it i misunderstood what happened, and drew very negative conclusions about some innocent - or neutral - things. like, for years i tried to paint everything white, keeping the bad stuff away from me, and then i had to paint it all black? do you know how that happens, when you're proved wrong in your extreme theory/ideology repeatedly, and then you are forced to accept the other extreme? in fact, i have dreams about that all the time, how i return to school and redefine everything, the only problem is that my new ideology (or whatever it might be called) isn't strong or comprehensive enough to accommodate all that hell that i created in myself at school. and the more i forget how it actually was, the less chance i have to understand what actually happened. but again, it's some low-level stuff, i don't know if you can change such things at all (although in fact i think you can). the way that school made me see the world is correct, in part. any outlook is correct, in part. but there are defining moment when you grab either the good stuff or the bad stuff, and that defines what your life is going to be from that point on. i can't prove my school cynicism wrong, because it wasn't wrong, it just was what it was, it was what i got, i just grabbed some wrong stuff at a wrong point.