there's no such thing as a brain cloud

[vriad_lee]

as software localization project progresses into more remote and deadlier phases the madness sets in, slowly and surely like night frost in autumn.

i pay as little attention to my body as i can afford to. each project brings hives, lymph node enlargement and nervous prostration. eyes are itching, but my body doesn't mind anything. it would like to curl up and sleep or curl up and die but it doesn't really insist. i feel pity towards all these cells and tissues that live their own quiet unhappy life, feed off whatever water i drink and whatever food i eat and suffer all my whims. it's a huge silent population that will die together with me, and i feel it shouldn't have been entrusted with someone as erratic and irresponsible as myself. nails and hair they grow on for a few days after you die, but soon they stop too losing their central raison d'être which is the real mystery to me

smug smug smug smug smug smug

please don't be so smug

i used to ride in a fridge skidding along frozen streets in the dark under the streetlamps i used to ride, and the door of the fridge was shut and i heard the laughing the hubbub of the kids running outside pushing my fridge along the ice

some people are lucky enough to wear protective crust of obtusity and insensibility and pointless optimism all through their school years and bloom, sensually and intellectually, by their twenties or thirties, when they are safely past that long stretch of misunderstanding and abuse and glaring neglect and... you know the hell that's called childhood & youth

oh the taste and the smell of a single sunflower seed found on the floor when you have run out of everything and only jars of homemade jam are stacked in the fridge since summer


i live in a room with no ceiling, no floor, no walls. turning constantly, it makes so hard to find and quite impossible to fix for good my single natural mood in which i'm lying like a tigress lazily licking my paw

Comments

[magnetic99.livejournal.com]

your writing is great!

[emma-loy.livejournal.com]

nice piece

[lomake.livejournal.com]

oh yes.

[drfunmd.livejournal.com]

vito, "zzzing", would have much to disagree with that. but right now, if i were able to project the way i feel about homophobia and what i have to deal with, in the way of expressing the beliefs of people i'm really close to (those I work with) i don't think i could say it any clearer myself, either because i'm short of words, or because i'm short of courage.

as much as i want to prove to my fellow men (namely those i work with) that there is a reasonable opposition to having a sexual proclivity toward women (a natural inclination of homosexuality), i want to prove that i have the same proclivaty (of heterosexuality), for fear that they'll either not believe there's an option for heterosexuality or believe i'm one of those whom they don't understand.

in short, it's kind of a mccarthyism deal where it's foe or friend.

it's kind of a catch 22 i can't get over

[vriad-lee.livejournal.com]

i didn't quite get this one: you want to prove that you have proclivaty for heterosexuality for fear that they'll not believe there's an option for heterosexuality? should it have been 'don't have'? i didn't know zzzing were homophobiac! anyway, for me all that it is theory (as yet!), because i'm straight, but i always thougt it a deficiency on my part. after all you want to have sex with the right person, and you don't come across the right person often. so discarding 50% of candidates based on formal prohibition wired into your head is stupid. i just know that prhibition is a formality - for one thing, in societies where homosexuality is an accepted thing they seem to be free from that 'natural disgust'. not that i've read a lot of picaresque antique novels, but that's how it seems from what i've read

[vriad-lee.livejournal.com]

btw i didn't tell you that i think you a talanted writer. i even cited you a couple of times in my journal

[vriad-lee.livejournal.com]

even! ha-ha

[drfunmd.livejournal.com]

i respect vito a lot, he seems to have a natural sense of what should be and what shouldn't. but he believes that homosexuality is a a psychological disorder, which i disagree with wholeheartedly. homosexuality is as much a psychological disorder as is preferring brunettes over blondes. my preference is toward women, specifically brunettes. and often times i feel i'm unfairly placed in the position to prove this proclivity. especially where i work and where i live.

sexual preference for one another among consenting adults should be, and is natural as having a favorite type of food, or more specifically taste--salty, sweet, etc. we all want to eat food, we don't all want to eat spicy foods.
some of the people i encounter daily and respect as individuals, as friends, are extremely homophobic and in complete disagreement with my own belief. i respect them as much as i do homosexuals, for they are expressing their tastes. there's no chance that i, a straight man, will quell their fear or gay men. i can't get them to like spicy foods. and i accept this shortcoming right away.

most homophobes are so wrapped up in their opposition toward gay people that they will work harder toward proving themselves straight than converting homosexuals. most of them believe "as long as they don't try to have sex with me, they can do whatever they want." it seems to me a harmless fear.

people are naturally afraid of each other. they choose to be afraid before they choose to understand. and at the moment, i'm willing to let people be afraid.

i guess there it is.

[vriad-lee.livejournal.com]

deleted from original post:


being a bisexual is the most natural and positive thing for anyone. it's more natural for people than for animals, because the power of human intellect provides for more diversity and sophistication in everything, from food to entertainment to torture to sex. people just know of a thousand more ways how to use a stick and a hole. i believe the actual reason for disgust people feel towards homosexual relationships is an explicit and implicit social attitude encoded into all social interactions. that disgust shows our narrowness and subdual and is something we should be ashamed of