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vriad_leethere is a certain logic behind break-ups and a different logic behind flirting. the logic of flirting is easier to understand. it's all about make it sweet, overlook their flaws, show your best side, enjoy. overlooking the other party's flaws is evidently harmful, but i think that it is the way it is because flirting has a purpose to it, which basically is conception. that is, as long as nature is concerned, you don't have to spend a lifetime together, you need to progenerate. that's why flirting is so easy. but that's only one side of it, on the other side everything in a person is subject to an ideology. ideology is on top of everything, insticts follow it eventually. it's just that people don't always realize they have an ideology. so it's like ideologically/politically incorrect things actually start looking distgustful.
the logic of break-ups seems more complicated. why ex's want to kill each other so much? i think it's because they have some property to split between themselves. that property is good memories. but that can't be split, it's to be ratained for both or lost for both. so the easiest way is to kill your partner, then all the sweet memories are good and intact, and all yours, as you didn't have to fight over them.
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breaking up is difficult because there is something to split between the partners. and that something are sweet memories and self-image. i remember lying in bed and feeling as if someone was scraping all the good memories and impressions of her out of my skull with a spoon. and at another time it was like all the compliments i got from her, especially those that i thought were implied, turned from liquid into some congealed stuff that didn't let me go. the breakup is over when you realize that keeping all those good memories is more expensive than not to have them at all. breaking up is all about paranoia and aggression. people want to kill each other at that time, and as you know they often do, and not so much because they are afraid to be left alone, but because there's much more at stake than a partner.
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and if you go into every detail describing something it still may be useless. there are traits in people that i have known for years, that i still can't explain. and the best i have got to are islands of mutual understanding with how many? two? three? persons. while these people can look awfully weird and alien in other respects. still, there are friends i can't account for, actions i can't understand - in the people that i have known for years. and creating those islands was a painful lifelong chore, in retrospective. and that's just how easy.
and if you want to open like a happy pink oyster in front of strangers, you could just as well take it for granted that they might spit into you. serves you right, flasher
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early in the morning when i was lying in bed i felt so shallow, as if i was standing ankle deep in the water and wanted to find a deep spot, but couldn't
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i tried as i could, it didn't help. when you look at other people trying to 'save relationships' you think what stupid jerks. it's enough to ignore. it's useless, relationships don't break out of the blue, if they are broken they are not to be saved. all you can do is shut up not to make it worse. what you need at the time is self-centeredness and cold cruelty. what i lacked always is that ready cruelty that you can take out of your pocket and apply, to cut it off. in my humid earth it has to turn into something dark then, remembered forever. there's no other choice. it happened before. some rows that went all wrong and make me wince years after. i don't know how to resolve this without scars. i'm such a funny little sucker
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i'm as soft as plasticine. i think i could forgive the guy who bullied me at school and the teacher who broke my brain. it's awful, in a way. i mean, if you plan to live in the real world
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meeting of the mind is one the most important thing i got from blogging. that people you find interesting and talented find you interesting and sometimes even get sexually attracted to you is something unbelievable, and the hugest compliment one can get. contempt coming from some people may be even flattering, but if you respect somebody and they despise you it's such a slap in the face indeed
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you may be unable to do the thing you know to be right - but that doesn't mean much for someone who reilizes how full of ridiculous circumstances this world is. still, there are ways to beat someone's self-respect deep into the ground - i know that too well. it's enough to make them fail so many times in a row, it's a techical question. but that's called murder. i think that your ego dies with you, and you die with your ego.
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you don't realize how watchful i am during these times for any signs of neglect or disdain when i'm empty and good only to wipe anybody's feet on. and god knows how many people i won't forgive for dispising me during these times. bear with me, it will pass, just bear with me
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качество общения определяется его глубиной. для глубокого общения важно - даже не столько точки соприкосновения - а уверенность, что с тобой не обойдутся подло или небрежно. отсутствие элементарного такта - вот и вся проблема
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-19 06:49 pm (UTC)