vriad_lee | (no subject)

Entry tags:

moi,
poems

(no subject)

i know it's half-baked and maybe doesn't even make sense, but just to get rid of it, just to get rid of it, because i won't stop editing until i actually post. i got rid of another one already thanks to the magic of email, and now this one. goodbye. be well. drink you milk eat your pudding suck your jelly-fish brush your teeth et cetera

shooldays by moi

going up those steps
losing a sandal
pressed by the multitude
shouted at
in the morning
first grade
crouching
to get it back
how i learnt
to hate my sandals,
my feet, and myself
that and previous,
following days

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

as far, the way i treat my memories proved to be rather efficient - as far. but i don't know, maybe you're right, maybe i should try to let it go as much as i can. although, it seems that wether i let it go or not doesn't depend on my will, and that forgetting how i felt then leaves me with less means to reevaluate it. i guess i know what you mean - there is bad stuff in life, and you can't make it good. but i'm not worrying about the bad stuff in life so much, i'm worrying about that part of it that i let slip into myself. and i do believe - sometimes i do - that i can dissolve it by some sort of reevaluation or analysis, and that if i forget it, let it completely slip into subconscious, i'll lose all control over it. now, at least, i see at clearly marked as 'bad stuff'. i don't know, i might be deluded in all these ideas, i'm rather neutral as to how correct they are. but it's my private mine field, i have no way to be certain about anything. so there

your notions of good and bad have become deeper and more definate since then, haven't they? so why do you think you need this shock therapy to stay in shape? what i say is not FORGET. what i say is DON"T TRY TO BRING IT BACK TO LIFE. when i stopped this "never forget" game i remembereв tons of stuff i suppressed (and had no idea i did). you beat down into your subconsciousness more stuff now then you can dream of: you're still fighting and this staff is still the question of life and death, of your sanity. not to forget, just recognize the person you are now, and you are not that boy, you can't re-live or even re-construct his life!

well! i don't know. maybe you're right - one way or the other, it doesn't look like an option now, to just let it go, to recognize myself as some new person etc. besides, remember john irving? writers know how to use their shit? i guess i prefer to analyse that shit now. i guess that's my shit track of life, i don't know!

you got it all wrong. i say, the way to analyse it at last and understand it at last is let it go emotionally. as i said, i managed to analyze all the stuff and even remembered lots of things (events, words etc) as soon as i made peace with my own gone self. you can't live pretending you are the same person they kicked in the schoolyard and trying to put it right for that long gone person. ypu what that person vecame, but not him and you can't make him think or live your way. in fact, you lost touch with him long ago - if not completely, in lots of aspects. that's all.

but i'm not talking about redefining myself socially. i don't want to be someone who returns to school and is no longer kicked, that's not a problem, i could compensate easily for that kicking if i wanted to (at least, so it seems). i'm not thinking of 'that' person, i'm thinking of the stuff that got embedded on a very deep level then, it happened to me then, but my 'now' has inherited it. i would be quite happy to be someone who was kicked at school, or even someone who was acting mean at school for that matter, i don't need to make peace with my past at this point - i want to see as clearly as possible what exactly happened with my picture of the world, how it warped exactly. the best way i can describe it is that there's some point i need to remember, it's hidden somewhere, and i'm unraveling what i am, how i have become that, trying to find that single most important point. and maybe there's no such point at all? maybe it's a sum total of forgoten points? i don't know

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only